PEEVES by STUART ››
Kids with huge backpacks
Sometimes so big they are actually little suitcases with wheels that they pull along behind them. New York parents: you have taken things too far, anyone can see this is just plain wrong.
Music venues turning on music right after a band has played
Rudeness + bad taste but almost universal. Can we have a few moments of palate-cleansing silence before deafening music starts up again?
Not good honest rude service (like, say, Polish service)... just waiting a beat before serving you as if to emphasize that they're not actually a waiter. And then, "What can I get you, man?" You can stop fucking around and get me my goddamn coffee right now! Man! Get over it, you have a service job.
When person you were talking to couldn't hear you.
"Sorry, Stu, I think you were mumbling a little. I couldn't hear you." You know what? just forget it!
Getting off the phone.
Except in purely business conversations, always seems to take forever. Usually a first, preliminary, questioning "bye" or "talk to you soon" before the official bye.
People getting their slice of pizza to go.
Where are you going, hotshot? Are you going to eat it on the street while you talk on the phone? Are you taking it back to your desk? Are you taking it back to your apartment to serve to your beautiful fiancee on a special silver pizza plate??
Taking forever to get out the door.
I'm about to leave and I realize I need my phone or keys or a list of things to buy...and this keeps happening until all the time it took kind of makes a mockery of whatever it was I was supposed to do outside.
"Since 1970, almost 50 million acres..." "Surrounded by 4 acres of..." What the fuck is an acre?? what am I, a farmer? is it bigger than a football field? deeper than a fathom? how many cubits is that?
"Have a safe flight!"
I'll try not to crash!
"Make no mistake..."
This is along the lines of "quite frankly," or "honestly," except it's especially popular with the politico set. I think George Bush said it in some speech about rounding up the evildoers, and since then everybody who wants their opinion to sound manly has been writing it. "Make no mistake" -- thanks for correcting me in advance. I might have been about to have a thought that was contrary to yours and incorrect. Close one! p.s. I'll cut you.
Dance/romance; money/honey, etc. Arms/charms is especially bad.
Loud laughter among people you dislike.
Blar har har har har!!
"That's really not appropriate" "Do you think that was appropriate?" etc. -- these are pissy little phrases that imply a watered-down, corporatized version of "proper." "Proper" is stuffy and victorian but at least it's honest, implying a vast structure of social obligation. "Appropriate" is like a sneaky, underhanded version of this -- it pretends to be non-judgemental but it isn't.
Cheap spoons that bend in ice cream.
Also cheap forks with one tine bent.
Corporate Words II: Using "solve" as a noun.
Did you know some people use "solve" as a noun? Like, "There are no easy solves on this one." Does this happen in Calgary?
Someone in retail whose spirit has been crushed.
And they look at you with dead eyes when you ask them anything.
Receipt for a coffee.
Or a danish, or a hershey bar. Do they think I need this for tax purposes?
"Grow" is not a transitive verb, unless it's referring to horticulture. For some reason, in my office you don't call someone, you "reach out" to them. "Stuart, could you reach out to Glen about this?" Why? Did we have a fight? Did his dad just die? Does Glen have a drinking problem and need an intervention??